Almost senior year!

Hello world! My little world of three followers…at least three who publicly admit they read my attempts at witty and charismatic writing!

I am back from a three week hiatus, a hiatus taken for no particular reason. Often, I’m just too tired by the time I get home to sit down and think of how to write about my life in a charming and possibly humorous fashion. And as happened quite a few times over the past three weeks, I question what I could possibly have to write about, how I could possibly write about that which I don’t have to write about, and why anyone would ever want to read any of it. And then I have those lesser numbered moments when the tiniest things make me happy, I realize that I like me, and even if it’s just for myself, I do have things to write about because it’s my perspective on the world. (And I do happen to think I have a different one sometimes…a different perspective, that is.) So I think that is why I keep trying to be persistent with this blog thing, because eventually it’ll work. I know I have some great observations, thoughts, ideas, etc…and at the very least, I, on occasion, have been known to make people laugh… and one day it’ll come together. I’m not even sure what that means, “it’ll come together.” Perhaps I’ll write something that someone will relate to and it’ll change their perspective on their life. Or maybe over the course of time this’ll turn into some kind of Elizabeth/…I just sat here for a good 30 second trying to think of name that would fit with Elizabeth like Julie/Julia does, but I believe I am defeated…into some kind of project that will become a book or a movie or something that reaches a lot of people. Or maybe, this will just make the three of you who actually consistently read this, smile for a moment one day. And that would be fine with me. I think writing like this also just helps me to define myself. Figure out who I am. Which brings me to my first “topic”, so to speak, of this entry…

I don’t have a title or a word for it, but I’ll start with this quote from Katherine Heigl that I read in the most recent edition of InStyle:

“Isn’t it better to be alone than to pretend you’re someone else? Be you. Find you. Be happy with that.”

Now, I am a quick cynic (and a quick sucker) when it comes to media inspiration and celebrity statements that are supposed to seem profound and virtuous. But I keep thinking about this. I’m not sure what I think about the first part. Well, I mean, obviously, I don’t actually think you should be someone you’re not just to not be lonely. But the, be happy with who you are. I feel like that’s everywhere. Dove commercials, BU t-shirts (get it? Be You?). We’re taught it growing up. And I feel like I see a lot of people who at least appear to be happy with who they are. And what I have not been able to get off my brain is not so much, am I happy with who I am, but who am I? (Although the former is a very pertinent question – especially as my face is breaking out, I spend my days writing about nanotechnology and institutional design, and I’ll be in my fourth wedding as a bridesmaid in just a few weeks, for a friend who is the second of my younger friends to get married.)

If who I am was to be displayed/described in a triangle, like the old food pyramid, my faith would be the sweets. Not as in, it’s the smallest least important part of my life, but in that it is at the top. (Ignore the levels of the pyramid…we’re doing a hierarchy here.) My faith is the most important thing to me and about me, and I believe I do have a genuine and unique faith that I want to be, I guess, the most endearing quality about me. But I have always been afraid that if I was too much of anything else, that my faith would no longer be the most important part of me, of my life. And as I’m figuring out more of who I am, and learning to be content with that and enjoy myself, I realize that I don’t think that will happen. I love baking. It’s a new found love and a budding one, mind you, but I love it. Love it. And if that was what I decided to do with my life and opened a cake shop and was just a disciple of Jesus, wife, mom, and baker the rest of my life, that would be ok. My faith would still be THE most important thing. (Even as I’m typing this though, I realize that I think part of the reason I feel the need for a powerful (for lack of a less abrasive word), influential, high-strung job is because in my mind, a job like that will allow me to feel productive with my life, feel like I’m helping people, and in feeling that way, keep my faith first. I fear enjoying something else so much that I might enjoy it more that God. But God wants us to enjoy life. I don’t think I really understand how much he wants us to enjoy it and how happy we can be. I very much have developed a spiritually cautious, I-might-just-have-to-drudge-my-way-through-life mindset. There we go. That’s something about me.

I also adore reading my bible and praying. I just love “spending time” with God and I am pretty secure in…well, my faith. I have recently not realized, but accepted, that I am not a very confident person. At all, actually. Sometimes I can be and sometimes I can come across as one, but I am riddled with insecurity. But I have faith. And the reason that that is such a great quality and is so valuable to me, is because that faith allows me to look at the scriptures as fact and see what God sees in me, maybe I don’t feel it but I believe it, and therefore I can attempt over and over again, to step out boldly into the world, or write another entry here, and think I have something to offer. I love God.

So what else about me? …as it comes:

I LOVE music. Certain songs, certain notes just make me so passionate and inspired and feel like I have the big picture on life – and that’s a good thing; the big picture as in God is for me, who can be against me?, I am a royal diadem to God, so put myself out there and try everything. I’m currently reading Julie & Julia (amongst a number of other books, but this is the one I’ve gotten the farthest in), and I love it. I think I love it because I like that I am continuously developing an interest in cooking, and this just makes me happy. I like nature. I like being outside. I like being active. I love the beach. I LOVE the ocean. I love to sing. I don’t actually think I’m that good, but I hope that I’m better than I think I am and that people will tell me that. (Whether they do or they don’t is besides the point.) I love to dance. I love ballet. I would like to try and be in a musical, Phantom of the Opera or something. I say I wish I hadn’t missed my chance…my prime, so to speak…to really nurture those potential talents, but I actually don’t think I’ve missed it. Really, in my mind, I could still do it if I decided to. That’s how I think.

I also round up or down depending on which one which is more appealing. For example: today is Wednesday night. Tomorrow, at this time next week, I will be going to Virginia Beach with friends for a campus ministry conference. So if I think like that, I kind of skip over the week in between and everything goes much faster. I’m developing a liking for oatmeal, which I’ve never had (the liking..I’ve never had the liking). I’m very laid back. I actually don’t have that many opinions on things, at least on things that can get people riled up. (I definitely have opinions on arguably less significant things like wedding cakes, music, interior decorations, movies.) It doesn’t take a lot to please me.

I realize I could keep going with all these things that I like and dislike and the things I’m learning about myself to help define me. But that’s not what you want to read. Or not necessarily that you don’t want to read, but it’s not pertinent to your life. So, what is?

The fact that we’re probably all less sure of ourselves than we think each other is. Don’t be intimidated by the girl in the shopping line next to you who seems to effortlessly be wearing a pair of calculatedly torn jeans, gladiator sandals, and a white V-neck t-shirt, with the appropriate number of accessories to look trendy, but as if they were just a collection of heirlooms, friendship bracelets, and 25-cent vending machine prizes she grabbed from a hand-painted dish on her dresser. I am guilty of doing just that and being sucked into the materialistic-driven insecurity that causes me to become enamored with what people think of me, how I look, and what I’m capable of.

I think that’s actually the bigger issue here: everything and everyone around us tells us that we need to figure out who we are. Be happy with who you are. Be proud of it. Be bold. But figure it out.

We don’t have to figure it out. I know enough of who I am and trust that God knows everything of who I am to be secure and content. I wouldn’t be so insecure or discontent if I didn’t have a thousand magazines and billboards and commercials telling me that I need to have a definition for myself. I really am just happy following the bible and become whoever God wants me to be at each point in my life. I think without purpose in God, then people really have to be secure in themselves and figure out who they are.

But God made us. So trusting him, I think, is being secure and confident in yourself. So, yeah, the direction God has you going in is the way you’re supposed to be going. You are who you’re supposed to be. If any of this at all made sense or was helpful, let me know. It was to me. :)

12:47pm

I was right. Internation Business Scholarship: Mastering Intellectual, Institutional, and Research Design Challenges had nothing for me. What a dud.
And there is a very eager looking tourist peering out through the viewing tank, if you will, whom I am convinced is pointing at me. Yes? Yes, I am a real life book-reader.

I'll try to write with more of a purpose from now on.

12:08pm, Main reading room of the Jefferson building of the Library of Congress

I have been waiting for International Business Scholarship for almost an hour and half now. It really makes me feel like the living definition of the word “nooser”. I made that up; loser and nerd combined. At least I can say it’s for work, which also makes sitting here a bitter/sweet thing because I have nothing to do but sit on Facebook, read Julie & Julia (my charming and hilarious new read!), and watch tourists stare at the reading room from a glass, cage-like enclosure, noses squished against the probably already greasy and hot breath-germ infested panels – and feel guilty that I’m not doing anything productive. Oh well. I guess a day or two like this for internship is ok? The more pressing reason as to why I’m beginning to get frustrated and grow frost on my arms (from the ice-box that is the reading room), is that I’m hungry! And hunger makes you do and think about all sorts of weird things.
This will probably be my most scattered and pointless blog to date – of all the four or five entries. I always think of things throughout the day to comment on and write about, but by the time I get home from work, I’m tired and don’t want to do it. I know, those of you with real jobs are probably scoffing at claimed misfortune, but indulge me – I’ll deal with this growing up, not having time for more and more, getting less and less sleep as I go.
So,
#1. Today is my seven year spiritual birthday. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I like to call it my seven year anniversary [to God]. Seven years ago today, I was baptized, had my sins forgiven, and as Isaiah 54:10 and Ephesians 5:26 describe, married God. And now I’m going to heaven. Sounds much more whimsical and romantic than its daily implications, but when you think about it, it really is. Whatever we “go through” or “sacrifice” in our 70/80 years on earth is such a steal for the ETERNITY we get to spend in heaven. It doesn’t always seem or feel that way, but I think we have to work on our perspective more so we can see it that way.
(Ok, I am just about through waiting for this book! And I bet you it won’t have anything I need in it. I think the portly gentleman at the desk diagonal to me is looking for some kind of snarling animal behind him, mistaking my stomach rumblings for a growl.)
#2. What is it that makes people want to keep everyone else updated on every event, lose shoe lace, stubbed toe, or personal antidote from their life? I wonder this as I have become one of those people – I have a blog. – and am reading Julie & Julia which is about a woman who needs something to do in and with her life so starts a cooking blog. And I love reading it! (I also love cooking but that’s beside the point here.) And since the summer provides an over abundance of time to mindlessly read people’s status on Facebook, and Twitter has become the new rage, it is just amazing to me that people love…what is it that they love? Communication? Attention? (And not in a vain, conceited way. People just like to feel valued.) I don’t know what it is. As I am getting older, which I know I always say I feel funny saying but it is just a fact – am undoubtedly getting older every second – I can see that people really do want and need things to occupy themselves and feel involved. I guess up until college, you don’t really have to work to find those things. But as I am slowly merging into the real world (not the nostalgic word of academia and summers) I see more how people need purpose. You go to work and then what? In school the line between “work” and “life” is so blurred, that it’s easy to think you know what you’re all about and would do if you had more time – which in and of itself is a contradiction because although I often feel that same way, tis’ true we’ll probably never have more free time than in college (except when you retire – one of the stages of life I am most looking forward to!) – but then you leave work at work and come home and actually have time with no required reading or papers or word problems. (The book finally came! Yay, now I can affirm that it doesn’t have what I need and I wasted two hours and can finally go eat!) That free time is wonderful – just a curious thing, though.
I know I have more comments on life, etc., that for some reason you all want to read, but am going to get out of here as quickly as possible!