On 9 May 2011, my [then] boyfriend got down on one knee on
the beach, with the Indian Ocean in the background, and asked me to marry him.
I eagerly and oh-so-happily said yes! Friends were taking pictures, the sun had
come out for a few moments after raining for hours, and the wind was lightly
blowing…it was perfect! We quickly went home and Skyped with my parents, called
his, and popped some champagne with friends. It was SO exciting; I was in total
shock. My fiancé and I couldn’t stop smiling, and I couldn’t stop looking at my
left hand. It really was one of the most wonderful days ever.
The next few days and couple weeks were just as blissful.
We were flooded with messages on Facebook and email, and smothered with hugs
from friends and family we saw over those following couple of weeks. We started
to plan our wedding – just very general thoughts and ideas – which was like
planning your best birthday party but 1,000 times better. I hate to use such a
cliché phrase, but we really were on cloud nine.
And as those beginning weeks passed, the real planning
was in full swing, and well, we were confronted with the reality of a Christian
engagement – a wonderful and magical time – which no one had warned us about. I
want to make sure I don’t lose the fact in this post that being engaged was
definitely an incredibly special and fun time in our life that (prayerfully)
we’ll only get to experience once. But there were aspects of it that totally
caught me by surprise, and that I kind of wish someone had told me about.
So, that’s what I’m here to do: If you’re a Christian – a
true disciple of Jesus – I want to present an honest picture of what being
engaged is like. Although this was just our experience (so take it with a grain
of salt), I have a feeling we’re not the only ones out there with the following
experience. So, read on, or don’t; but if you ever get engaged, I hope some of
these thoughts are helpful to you.
In no particular order…
1) Being
engaged is absolutely wonderful and SO exciting! Actually, it’s surreal. If
you’re like me, you probably spend a lot of time in your 20/30 years of life
seeing other people fall in love, be engaged, and get married – and now it’s
happening to you! When?! How?! And not everyone gets that in their life. You
are where you are by God’s grace and kindness.
Planning a wedding, however,
can be frustrating, difficult, and/or discouraging at times. (Not all the time!) J
Things go wrong, venues are mean, EVERYONE has their opinion and really wants
you to use it, and most likely, you have a budget (which means your grand ideas
and décor will have to be scaled down immensely…which is a definitely a
bummer). One of those things, or something else, WILL happen to you. I have
never heard of a wedding that didn’t have even one small hiccup. One or more of
those things may have happened to us. If you really want to know, email me, and
I will tell you in the form of advice for your future. J
Know that it’s coming and when
it does, don’t freak out – focus on that blessing of falling in love and
getting married. That’s why you’re getting married anyway: to marry an
incredible man or woman. Not to plan a wedding. J
2) If
you are a disciple of Jesus, then I would expect that you are waiting until
marriage to be intimate. I thought that for some reason, once we got engaged,
waiting and staying pure would be easier because the end is in sight. It’s not;
it’s harder. Emotions are heightened, the end in sight is exciting, and Satan
wants so hard to make you mess up. His days to trap you in that area are
numbered, so he is going to throw everything he’s got at you. Resist! I
promise: it is UNBELIEVABLY worth it. You have one chance as a disciple, to do
it right; and if you can wait, you will see that God really knows what he’s
talking about. His plan is perfect. I know it’s hard, but again, try and focus
on the blessings you’re receiving. Focusing on those makes it a bit easier to
think, “I can wait a few more months longer” - and actually do it. (Something
my fiancé and I did was make a list of 10 things we would or would not do
together…ie: We would not be in a house alone, at all….and we gave the list to
three married couples in our life, and decided that if we broke one of the
“rules” we would confess it to all three couples. Let me tell you: the fear of
confessing something to all of them was motivation enough not to do them!)
3) (Completely
person opinion here, so I think this is more of a side note: six months (or
longer) is too long to be engaged. Gordon and I were engaged almost exactly six
months. We wanted to get married sooner but with my family being in the US and
our wedding in South Africa, we could only work around certain dates for the
wedding – and I’m so grateful we did because it allowed people to be involved
that would otherwise might have not been able to. But I think the reason most people
choose a long engagement is because they think they need so much time to plan a
wedding, when in reality, they don’t. Three or four months is plenty of time to
plan a wedding, under normal circumstances. But if your engagement needs to be
longer for other reasons or circumstances, just be aware that temptation gets
harder, not easier.)
4) If
you are a disciple of Jesus, then I also would expect that you are getting some
form of pre-marital counselling. This too is a massive blessing! (I’m not
saying that because it sounds good but I actually I hated it...I actually mean
it.) Yes, it was hard, but it was THE BEST thing we could do to prepare. (Even
better than painting our kitchen red or me getting the walk-in closet for
myself and G getting the cupboard.) How wonderful to be able to work out any
issues, concerns, questions, fears, confusions about marriage before you’re
actually in it!? Pre-marital counselling is a blessing, but that does not mean
it is easy or comfortable. If you want to grow and become the best wife or
husband you can be, God will show you plenty to work on and change. Embrace it.
Gordon and I joke that we dealt with so much/got everything out (or in other
words, had enough bumps) before we got married, so our first year will be
perfect! Ha – we know that’s not true, but so far, so good. J
And just a few, brief wedding
pointers:
5) The
details don’t matter. Really. You won’t care after you’re married if the aisle
was absolutely covered in petals or not (a detail I wanted but it just didn't quite happen), or your bridesmaids dresses were the right shade of coral (I
have seen this happen). Don’t freak out during the planning, and try not to
stress other people out with such details; you might be a bit embarrassed
afterwards.
6) Be
flexible. If there is a detail that a family member who is really close to you
wants in the wedding, and it’s not something that is going to start a fire or
make your hair turn blue, probably use it. The relationship is more important
than the detail.
7) Stay
in your budget. You’re starting a life together and the wedding is one day;
don’t put yourself in debt over one day, when the debt will follow you for a
long time.
8) Delegate/include
lots of people. This takes the stress off of you and makes people feel so loved
and special.
9) Honeymoon
(again personal opinion): don’t go somewhere where there is lots to do. You’ll
be too tired and feel bad if you don’t have the energy to do or see all those
things.
10) Remember
that all of this is about the person you’re marrying. Stay focused on them; why
you love them, why you’re grateful for them.
Being engaged is so fun and exciting, but being married
is far better! I truly feel that way (even though I would love to get married
all over again)!
Any other thoughts/tips/ideas for engaged couples?
Love from the Southern Hemisphere,
e.f.
