Monday, June 22, 2009

I love it here, I really do. I'm just having a day.


Today is Father’s Day, dad’s birthday, and the longest day of the year. I don’t have a whole lot of news to report, or any commentaries, but it’s an odd day because I feel like I should be outside till the last second of daylight, enjoying it, but I find myself wishing it were the fall and I was back in Boston. Even if that means it gets dark at 4:30 (which it does) it would mean I’m living with one of my best friends, am in a ministry with some of my closest friends, in a place I’m totally comfortable in, and would probably be looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I’m happy here in DC and I am so grateful to be here. I feel like I have to emphasize that so I don’t seem like I’m not grateful or am changing my mind on the blessing God has given me in my internship and being in DC. I don’t at all wish for August 26th when I’ll be leaving, but I realized today that this is my third “move” in the last three years to a place where I have to build relationships from scratch. (Boston, New Orleans, DC) And I’m tired of it. Not in a “I’m fed up and mad” kind of way, but in a “this is exhausting and I want a break for a while from it” kind of way. I would just like to be with what is most comfortable and the people that know and love me the most. It’s amazing how we can pray so earnestly for things and God can even give them to us, and then when they come, we aren’t quite…well, we just don’t say on cloud nine too long.
Sometimes rejection makes you desire and work that much harder, which can be good. But when you finally get what you want, it’s not always fireworks and flying. It’s worth it, but I guess the ultimate thing I realize is that’s why our stock and hope cannot be in anything other than God. HE NEVER FAILS OR DISAPPOINTS. It’s so funny just to see how God works – which we really don’t even see or comprehend a fraction of – how there is one, ultimate truth and God is doing everything to get us there. To be with him, to become like him. And we pray for things we want, he has his will, sometimes they coincide, we fight him, we cry, we laugh about it, we get humble, we change. I know what I just described is life, but you know those moments where for a few minutes you’re able to sit back and look at everything and just throw your hands up in the air and say, “I get it”? “I don’t know anything. God IS so loving and good. Now I understand why I have to trust him”? I think we have to suck those moments for everything they’re worth, to help our faith and perseverance until we get another one of those moments to keep our faith strong till the next time. And it’s everything that leads up to those moments that I think are often the plans of God that we do not understand – losing a job, not getting an internship, moving somewhere new, breaking up, being in a certain class for a semester, etc. God is just so much bigger and incomprehensible and inconceivable that we can grasp. And we can trust him because of it.
So I think that is something I would have to add in my book on rejection/dreaming: ultimately, our goal cannot be that job, attending that school, getting those grades, marrying that person, having that wedding. It has to be to follow God and become more like him, because that’s the agenda God is on. What we can and I guess should dream about, is how all that will happen.

I’ve been here two full weeks now, so this week, without a doubt, I am doing some fun DC things. Starting Friday. A bientot!

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